Daystar Senior Living Blog

Help for Seattle Caregivers—Even When Responsibilities Change

by Anetta Townsend – Director of Care

CNN.com recently reported that trying to create the best possible quality of life for an aging relative is "the new normal" for 43.5 million Americans who care for someone older than 50. And with people living longer than ever, this may be the first generation to care for its parents as long as it cared for its children.

Even if your parent or other loved one makes a move to a retirement community here in the Seattle area, your caregiver role doesn’t cease. It may change—even dramatically—but you will continue to provide care. You may not be fixing meals, or monitoring medications, or transporting your parents, but you will still play a vital role in their care and comfort.

How can you be a better caregiver—even if you’ve turned some of the tasks and responsibilities over to a qualified professional staff? If you’re considering a Seattle area retirement community for a loved one—or even if that kind of decision is a ways down the road—we’d like to share one way to prepare for your transitioning role.

We encourage people who are considering Daystar Retirement Village to ask us what they can do to become better caregivers. This may be new territory for you, but our staff are qualified, competent retirement community professionals who have been dealing with the issues you’re now facing for years. They understand the stresses you face and the questions you have. And they understand the crucial role you play in the continuing care of your parents or loved one—even if you’re not involved in their daily physical care.

We’re happy to suggest resources (books, videos, seminars, etc.) that will help you better understand what your parents are going through and how you can support them. Ask us about the kind of things you can do to complement the activities that our community offers. Tell us what you’re concerned about and ask us what you should be doing—and what you should let us do. By drawing on the knowledge and experience of our staff, not only will you eliminate some of the stress from your own life (because not knowing answers can create anxiety), but you’ll probably improve your parents’ retirement community experience as well.

By the way, you don’t have to wait until your loved one is a resident to start educating yourself. Give us a call or shoot us an email. We’ll be happy to pass along helpful information that can prepare you for transitioning your parent or loved one into retirement community living.

What are your biggest questions about your changing role as your parent makes the transition to retirement community living?

Don’t Go It Alone: Partnering with Your Seattle Area Retirement Community Staff

by Michele Mintzer – Community Relations

If you’re considering a Seattle area retirement community for a loved one, don’t let your interaction with the staff at that retirement community end when you sign a contract.

Yes, a retirement community is a business. We have forms for you to fill out and financial matters to resolve. But we believe that a retirement community is a unique—and personal—business. If you’re dealing with a reputable retirement community, you’ll find that most of us work here because we have a genuine concern about the elderly and we have a “soft spot” for them.

Why does that matter to you? For one thing, it should influence the community you choose. You’ll continue to be in contact with us even after Mom or Dad is safely ensconced in the community. That helps us ensure that the transition is as smooth as possible for them. So that means you’ll want to choose a community where you have a sense of rapport and relationship—even if you’re not the one living there.

However, your interaction with us won’t end there. We know that in caring for our residents “one size doesn’t fit all.” That’s why we think of you as part of the care team—and we want you to feel that way as well. We welcome your input and inquiries. You’ll work together with us to make decisions and adjustments that ensure your loved one has the best experience possible. And while we don’t expect you to do our job, we’re very aware that you know things about your loved one that can help them provide better care.

What that means is that you shouldn’t stop talking to us just because you’ve finalized your arrangements. We want to keep the conversation going. If you think of something that will help us understand your loved one or provide better care, share that with us. (Check out what our residents have to say about the staff at Daystar)

So when you chose a Seattle area retirement community remember that you’re not just making a business transaction—you’re partnering with a team to provide the best care possible. We’d love to have you meet our team, so we invite you to schedule your personal visit whenever it’s convenient for you.

Moving to a Retirement Community: How I Knew It Was Time for a Change for Mom

By Guest Author

My 87-year-old mother wasn’t thrilled about the idea of moving into a retirement community. As a matter of fact, the topic really wasn’t open for discussion for a significant amount of time. What made this particularly frustrating was that—years before—she had actively researched some retirement community options on her own, and was open to the concept.

Then her world started shrinking. When I would visit her (we lived 1,000 miles apart) I would notice that she wasn’t getting out. She’d stopped driving (which was probably a good thing). But not driving meant she wasn’t getting out to the bank or to pay bills, or to the library—or even to the grocery store. Friends and neighbors would try to get her out, but she resisted their efforts—preferring to be by herself where she wouldn’t feel stupid if she couldn’t follow a conversation. I increased the frequency of my visits, but saw her world continue to shrink.

Bills were going unpaid. Papers were piling up. Laundry and cleaning were not being done. The refrigerator and pantry were largely bare (despite her protestations on the phone that she had “plenty of food in the house”). I’d tried hiring a service to come by to clean and to take Mom grocery shopping. After the initial visit, she was convinced her jewelry was missing and refused to allow anyone in. I tried having groceries brought in, but she refused to accept delivery. I finally resorted to having Chinese take-out delivered, and would order enough food at one time to last her for a week.

On my next trip (for her 87^th birthday) I arrived in the middle of the afternoon to find her still in bed; not having eaten for several days, dehydrated and disoriented. After nursing her back to the point where she could get out of bed and get dressed, we talked about what to do next. I had tried extremely hard to respect my mom’s independence and her right to choose. What became obvious to me was that she struggled to make even the simplest decisions. Finally I asked her if she wanted me to make the decision about what to do. She never would have voluntarily given up her right to choose, but when I asked she gave a relieved nod of ascent.

I packed a bag for her, put her in her own car, threw my return airline ticket away, and drove the 1,000 miles back home with her in tow. Fortunately, my wife and I had done a fair amount of research into retirement communities in our area and after several visits had narrowed our selection down to what we felt was the right one.  A few months later, we brought out as much of Mom’s furnishings as we could fit into her new apartment—making it look as much like home as possible—and moved her in. I spent the first night with her at her new place, and she has been contentedly “at home” there ever since.

It’s a tricky thing to take over responsibility without running roughshod over your parent’s dignity. And though I tried my best to respect my mom’s independence and dignity the signs (no housekeeping, unpaid bills, no groceries) were clear that my mom wasn’t going to survive on her own and that it was time for a change. It was one of the hardest—and best—decisions I’ve ever made.

One Size Doesn’t Fit All: What Do You Want From Your Seattle Area Retirement Community?

When it comes to choosing a retirement community the old adage of “One size doesn’t fit all” really comes into play. People are different, and what they want out of a retirement community differs.

Some of what you may be looking for, of course will depend on your needs. If you’re looking for a place for a family member and she has significant health issues that require a lot of attention, that will play a significant role in the type of community you select.  Once you’ve established what your needs are, it’s important to determine what you want from your Seattle area retirement community. Here are some things you might want to consider.

How important is location? Is it important that the retirement community be close to your family member’s current home?  How close does it need to be to other family members or friends? Even if your loved one spends the majority of her time inside the community will she want easy access to other parts of the area? What else is within reach of the retirement community? For example, here’s a look at what’s near our Daystar community. 

What size community are you looking for? Some people prefer a smaller community that feels a bit more connected. Other people prefer the amenities and social activities associated with a larger community. One advantage to a somewhat larger community is that there are often better opportunities to find new friends with similar interests. But it really comes down to what fits an individual’s personality.

What kind of residence fits your style? Some seniors look for a smaller, more compact apartment-style residence that’s easy to maintain. Some want simple studio arrangements and others prefer multiple rooms.  Some people even want a small one-level house.  Does the place you’re considering offer you those choices?

 

How easy is it to get around? If your loved one still drives, is there a place to keep a car? What other transportation options does the community provide? And what about getting around inside the community? Is it easy is it to get to areas such as the dining room, or recreational areas?

What kind of people do you want to be around? If you visit a community what impression do the residents make on you? Are they friendly? Do they seem happy? Do they engage with others? Do they seem like the kind of people your loved one is likely to get along with?

What other things are important to you to make the retirement community you pick a better fit?

20 Questions You Should Ask When Choosing a Seattle Area Retirement Community: It’s Not a Game

You may remember the old game of “Twenty Questions.” When it comes to choosing a retirement community in the Seattle area, asking questions is not a game, because the answers you get can have a significant impact on your lifestyle.  If you’re thinking about entering a retirement community—or choosing one for a family member—you probably have a lot of questions. That’s a good thing! If you’re like a lot of people, however, there are times when the some of the questions you want to ask temporarily slip your mind. And sometimes there are questions you might not think to ask.

Here are twenty questions that you’ll want to make sure you ask when you visit any retirement community in the Seattle area. Some of these you’ve probably thought of, and you may have others, but these will help you to get some important information you need to know before you make a decision about where you—or a loved one will live.

1. What levels of care do your offer?
2. If my needs change after moving in, what options do I have?
3. What floor plans are currently available within the community, and where are they?
4. What is the monthly cost to live here?
5. Is there a “buy-in” fee and is it refundable?
6. Are there periodic rent increases and if so, what are they?
7. What utilities are included in the monthly rent?
8. What appliances are included in my apartment?
9. Is the meal plan included in the rental price and what is included?
10. How and when are meals served (and can we see a menu)?
11. Are pets allowed (and what is the cost)?
12. Is covered parking available, and at what cost?
13. Are guest apartments available for family members to rent (at what cost)?
14. If I want to change apartments after moving in, what’s involved?
15. Is there are resident laundry facility and what does it cost?
16. Do you allow electric scooters in the building?
17. Am I allowed to make cosmetic changes to my apartment?
18. How many staff members are on duty at any given time?
19. What kind of emergency response system does the community have?
20. What kind of input do residents have regarding activities and meals? 

What other questions would you like to have answered before making a decision about a retirement community?

7 Things to Look For When Checking Out a Seattle Area Retirement Community

If you’re considering a retirement community in the Seattle area for yourself—or for a loved one—there’s no substitute for getting a hands-on-up-close-and-personal look at the communities you’re considering. Gathering online information can be a helpful place to start, and virtual tours can also give you a general feel for a place. But nothing can take the place of actually being in the community.

Reputable retirement communities want you to visit them and discover for yourself what they’re all about. We certainly encourage you do to that. But as helpful as a guided tour may be, there are some things you’ll want to observe on your own. Here are a few things you’ll want to examine and evaluate.

1. The Residents: How would you describe the community residents to an outsider? Is the overall atmosphere one of life and interest? Is it a functioning community? How does it make you feel?

2. The Staff: Are staff members engaged with residents? Are they enthusiastic? Do they treat them with respect? Do you get the sense they enjoy being with these people?

3. Mealtimes: Do mealtimes feel like special, social events? Do residents seem to be enjoying themselves? Is the wait staff courteous and patient? Do they serve the residents—or just serve the food?

4. Events and Activities: Are events and activities posted around the community? And do the activities sound interesting—or do you get the sense they are simply things to “occupy” the residents?

5. Physical Condition: Is the community well maintained?  Is there regular maintenance being done or do you get the feeling that repairs and maintenance are being put off?

6. The Sniff Test: How does the community smell? That may sound odd, but our sense of smell is very powerful and can really impact our impression of a place. Does the community look well kept inside and out?

7. Impromptu Questions: How do staff members respond to your impromptu questions? If they can’t answer your questions, do they offer to find out for you?

Senior Exercise and Aging in Seattle

The American College of Sports Medicine projects that by 2030, there will be 70 million people in the United States 65 years of age or older. They also predict that people 85 years and older will be the fastest growing segment of our population. Right now, more than 35 million people in the U.S. are 65 years of age or older.

One of the biggest fears of aging citizens is the fear of falling and seriously hurting themselves. Most seniors know the consequences a serious fall can bring. Aside from the unwelcome pain a fall brings, they know it can seriously curtail their lifestyle.  Because of osteoporosis, older women in particular worry about the consequences of falling. 

The good news is that research has shown that bone mass can be increased in older women by physical activity. Higher levels of leisure time, sport activity, and heavy household chores (and fewer hours of sitting) can result in significantly reduced risk of fractured hipbones. Women engaged in lower-intensity activities (walking, gardening, or dancing) for at least an hour a week are less at risk for hip fractures.

That’s why it’s so important for seniors—even seniors that have moved to a retirement community—to remain physically active. That’s a big reason we provide physical activity opportunities for our residents and encourage participation. We know they are in a situation in which they either “use it or lose it.”

Loss of bone density, however, isn’t the only issue facing seniors. As we age, muscle mass decreases steadily. That’s important because muscle helps maintain weight and contributes to balance and bone strength. But is it realistic to expect seniors to build muscle?

The answer may surprise you! In one study, seniors (between the ages of 72 to 98—with an average age of 87) lifted weights with their legs three times a week for 10 weeks and increased thigh mass by almost 3 percent. They also increased their walking speed by 12%, and saw an increase in leg strength of 113 percent!

If mobility and independence are important to you—or a senior loved one, make sure that the retirement community you select is committed to providing options for keeping seniors in shape, not just as an afterthought, but as part of their culture.

What Mom and Dad Fear As They Get Older

We’ve probably all heard that “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.” Whether or not you subscribe to everything that best-selling author and relationship counselor John Gray says, there is no doubt that men and women come from very different places. That doesn’t change when they grow older.

Sometimes, when caring for our aging parents, we can forget that they are not merely aging people—they are aging men and women. That means they approach aging somewhat differently. Recently Caring.com reported on the five things that aging men and women most fear. Not surprisingly, the two groups came up with quite different lists. Here’s a quick look at what our aging parents may fear most.

What Men Fear Most	What Women Fear Most
1. Impotence	1. Becoming less attractive/”invisible”
2. Weakness	2. Being left alone
3. Retirement/Irrelevance	3. Being left financially destitute
4. Not driving (losing independence)	4. Cancer
5. Losing cognitive ability (or wife losing)	5. Being dependent on others

Your parents’ lists of fears may look different than the ones above. The differences are interesting and are important to bear in mind as you talk with your parents. It’s also important that your parents have the ability to talk to others who can empathize with what they are facing.

That’s one of the beauties of a retirement community.  There’s a good chance that some of what your mom fears is shared by other women her age. Your dad will probably experience the same thing with men his own age.  And in a community that encourages interaction, there are opportunities for residents to share their thoughts with each other—and to know that they are not alone.

It’s important for you to know the different fears your aging parents face—and to be able to respond to them. But it’s also important to help them find a group of peers that knows exactly what they’re going through and will be there alongside them.

Long Distance Care: A Growing Concern

The National Institute on Aging estimates that approximately 7 million Americans are long-distance caregivers—and it’s a number that’s growing. As seniors live longer, more of us find ourselves struggling to care for parents and loved ones from hundreds or even thousands of miles away.

It’s not just those who live on the opposite coast from their parents who struggle. Adult children that live in close proximity to their aging parents often find themselves dealing with issues from a distance if they have to travel for business. What makes it tough is that problems are often magnified by distance. Problems that seem like they should be simple to resolve can become complicated if you’re not physically present, and that causes stress.

Not only is it stressful to provide care from a distance—it can be expensive as well. A November 2007 report by the National Alliance for Caregiving and Evercare (a division of United Health Group) found annual expenses incurred by long-distance caregivers averaged about $8,728, far more than caregivers who lived close to loved ones.

A retirement community will never take the place of family. It won’t make all of the difficulties associated with aging go away, either. A well run, caring retirement community can, however, relieve some of your worries. If you have your parent or loved one in a quality community such as Daystar, you know that their basic needs will be met.  Nutritious meals will be provided. Caring staff will be available 24 hours a day. There will be plenty of engaging activities to stimulate them and allow them to interact with others in the community.

In addition to receiving good care, your parents will also be free of some of the things that cause them—and you—stress, including: Mortgage/rent payments, home maintenance, grocery shopping and meal preparation, and more. And while your parents may not need someone to watch them all the time, it’s a huge relief to know that there is someone available to help immediately in case you can’t get there right away.

Whether you live across town in Seattle—or across the country—it’s good to know that consistent, quality care is available for your loved ones. We invite you to schedule a personal visit next time you’re in the area to see if Daystar is the right fit for your parent or loved one.

What Does Your Dad Hear When You Say “Retirement Community”?

Back in the 60s and 70s there was a lot of talk about what was called “The Generation Gap.” A new generation of kids saw the world quite differently than their parents did and it made it very difficult for them to communicate. Those kids are now adults with aging parents, and guess what? That “Communication Gap” is still there! And nowhere is it more evident than when you begin to talk to your aging parents about the possibility of a retirement community.

When your dad hears you say, “retirement community,” there’s a good chance he’s not thinking about the same thing you are. When he was younger, older people were sent to “nursing homes.” They didn’t have the amenities of today’s retirement communities, and there wasn’t much “community” involved. It’s likely your dad thinks of a retirement community as a place where unwanted older people are “put out to pasture” (against their will).

What can you do to help your dad see retirement community living for what it really is today? It starts with talking about expectations—and that includes your expectations. Don’t expect your dad to think or feel the same way you do. And don’t expect him to jump at the chance to move just because you think it’s a good idea. Instead, get your dad talking about what he thinks a retirement community might look like—but without the “threat” of having to move immediately hanging over your conversation.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of moves to retirement communities are triggered by an “event” (an illness, an accident, a fall, etc.). That doesn’t allow time for discussion. The earlier you can start the conversation, the easier it will be for you and your dad.

If at all possible, arrange for your dad to talk to someone who actually lives in a community. That person’s words will carry a lot more credibility. If a picture is worth 1,000 words, a visit to an actual community is worth 10,000 words! But your dad may not be ready for a visit right away. Try starting with a video tour of a facility to give him a taste of what the community is like.

Don’t try to convince your dad that this is the most wonderful place on earth. Give him the chance to arrive at that conclusion on his own. What you can urge him to do is to humor you and at least talk about it and maybe eventually make a visit for your sake.

What you say—and what your dad hears—may start off as completely different things. If you can, give him time to arrive at his own conclusions. Keep the conversation going and be ready to respond. The less you push, the better your chances of a happy and smooth transition.